Dating just isn’t what it used to be.
We’ve all heard the horror stories of friends getting used on dating apps and how hard it is to find the right person who is willing to love someone at the very least almost as much as they love themselves.
Simply put, people are getting tired of the lack of intimacy altruism in romantic relationships. Modern daters are desiring a soul mate that (most of the time) can only be found in movies.
Modern love can be true love. Old fashioned dating is becoming trendy again, but it is important to understand that technology will always play a role in our lives, including how we date.
I like to think that technology can play a positive role OR a negative role in our love lives, depending on how we use it when dating.
Here’s how I personally view dating the old fashioned way in our current world.
|Key Takeaway: You can still be a modern man or woman without having to give up old fashioned dating rituals. |
How to date the old fashioned way (in the modern world)
Old-fashioned dating can be great and there is always a way to add a modern twist to old traditions. Buying someone roses or their favorite cologne will still almost always be appreciated (but now you can go online and do it in two minutes). Talking on the phone all night is still cute, technology allows us to also video chat.
I’ve also seen technology can also cause issues within a relationship. There are far too many commitment-phobic people who may not be honest about what they want in a relationship. Some people have one eye on the next Tinder swipe, others cannot help to send risque snaps when they know that their partner will never find out.
Dating the old-fashioned way takes time, commitment, and patience. If you want to date and find your mate for life, you need to pursue your potential partner. If you are a man, you need to court your woman. If you are a woman, you need to allow your man to take care of you. THAT is what old-fashioned dating is all about (whether you like it or not). Old fashioned dating is careful and intentional. It does not thrive on the premise that you can sleep with whoever you want to, and that people are dispensable. The mentality that there are plenty of fish in the sea does not apply to this style of dating.
7 Tips if you want to date the old-fashioned way (with a modern twist)
When you date- date one person
Pursuing a single partner instead of multiple partners at once allows you to focus on that one person and get to know him/her faster than if you were to juggle multiple partners at once.
When you date more than one person at once, it can become a logistical mess. You end up not really getting to know the people involved because keeping everything straight becomes difficult.
It’s not wrong to date multiple people; it’s just difficult to really connect and consider someone as an eternal partner when you are also romantically giving yourself to someone else.
To be clear, it is wrong to date more than one person if you aren’t upfront. Dating more than one person is not wrong per say, but lying to someone who is putting themselves in a vulnerable position to be with you is.
Don’t always go to the bars
Avoid going to the bars on the first few dates. It may be tempting to do so considering that alcohol can bring your guard down, but you really will not get to know someone fully when you have alcohol in your and possibly their system. Furthermore, you may end up saying something embarrassing before your connection gets to know the real you and it might be over before it even began.
Additionally, crowds and loud music typically don’t lay the foundation for serious relationships. My suggestion is to not start your relationship at a place that is a local watering hole for drunks and you might actually be taken seriously.
If you are still looking to connect with someone, it will also be my advice to not meet someone at a place where people get “buzzed”. Try somewhere else that attractive people go; coffee shops are great, or the library. Perhaps even your church if you attend or another place where people gather that have the same interests. Pretty much anywhere that is NOT a bar/nightclub. You could even hit a singles event.
Don’t rely on your phone
People rely on their phones for everything- especially romance. Dating apps take the work out of meeting someone and you can get to know someone before actually even meeting in person.
But how reliable are dating apps? How honest are people really in apps where you swipe left or right just based on a first glance? The pressure is REAL, and people become disposable. All of a sudden people are creating photoshopped images and dating multiple people at once without telling anyone.
By not allowing our phones to manipulate how we connect with someone, we can meet the right person organically. We do not have to allow our phones to control our relationships.
If you choose to use a dating app (and people do this successfully) don’t let it take over every aspect of your relationship. Finding someone to date online, taking them out on a date, and only them and staying off any dating apps when you are in a relationship is the best way to get to know someone.
And may I add that if you are fully dependent on your smartphone; you will bring that into the relationship and it will be a huge problem. Make sure your partner knows that you DO NOT have an addiction to your phone and that they have your full attention. Please, please, PLEASE avoid looking for other flings while on a date or texting your friends asking for advice in the middle of a dinner with your potential partner. When you are with your partner, only focus your time on them.
Use your phone
I did just talk about not relying on your phone in a relationship, but as I mentioned earlier technology can be a positive or negative tool in any relationship. YOU can use technology for good AND bad, it’s your choice. Technology is a tool that is designed to make our lives easier- how we use technology is up to us. We can use our phones to separate us from our partner or to draw us closer to our partner.
My parents tell me stories about how they called each other a=when they were dating and talked for hours on the “party line”. A party line is a local shared service line where people would all share the same phone line. You can imagine the obstacles that my parents faced when talking on the phone and knowing that anyone could pick up the phone and listen to them without them knowing if they were a part of the same party line.
Fast forward to today’s phone network. We have many ways to keep our phone conversations private. We can talk on the phone for hours with no one knowing what we are talking about. We can send each other text which can be deleted.
There are many ways we can show each other love through our phones and this should not be overlooked. A simple “Good morning beautiful” or “How was work today handsome” can go a long way.
It’s always scary starting a new relationship; especially if you are taking my advice and only dating one person at a time. If you feel the need to rush things because you don’t want to waste your time; resist the urge. I KNOW that it is hard to be vulnerable with one person, but if you truly want to get to know that person it will take time and effort.
Show some respect
People sometimes go on dates because they are bored or to simply hookup.
This can cause problems in a potential relationship when people aren’t honest about their intentions.
Respect is seldom given anymore between men and women. Rarely is there a time where I see a man open a door for a woman, but I hear many vulgar terms about women. And I hear women complain about men. It has become easier to be selfish and treat people and dispensable and as an object that is solely used for one’s own pleasure. A lack of mutual respect is what causes serious problems in many romantic relationships. Being aware of another partner’s needs and honest about your intentions will allow love to flow in a lot smoother. Mutual respect has always been a priority in old fashioned dating, it's time to bring that respect back.
Always keep the romance alive
Courting should NOT end when you finally meet the love of your life. Life can get busy- especially when careers and kids enter the picture. However, your relationship should ALWAYS be important. Do not give up the roses, backrubs, and dates five weeks, five years, or even five decades into the relationship. Always make your partner feel important; always keep your love alive. In fact, you should be putting your partner’s needs before your own, and vice versa. That way, you can take care of each other.
Wrapping It Up
Lack of intimacy and the ability to exercise egocentric behavior can cause resentment and confusion within any relationship. To have a fully blossomed and beautiful romantic relationship with someone, it is important to become selfless for the other person and vice versa.
Dating only one person at once and following other old fashioned dating rituals allows a couple to truly be selfless for one another. Finding your forever connection not only means putting another person’s feelings above your own; but also finding someone to do the same for you. So, while you are finding the love of your life, make sure to not only date the old-fashioned way, but also to find someone who wants to put the same amount of commitment that you do.